Pet Peeves

 

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves is the humorous side of owning pets.

By Jon Pirincci – comedian and actor

 

 

 

Ferrets…even the name is funny!

We all think that Cats and dogs are just the coolest pets in the world. Well maybe they are. Then you have Guinea Pigs. They are cute and cool, very popular. What about horses?  Nah,,,too much money. Then you have the Ferret. What Ferret? Yes they are cool.

You don’t hear too much about them. Maybe a few things like they smell and scrounge around all night, especially when you are sleeping. Well, so? What is wrong with them up all night? They are guarding the house or appt.  Better than dogs. Dogs just sleep (most of the time in YOUR bed). Not a Ferret! No way Jose. Ok not sure how they would warn you. Maybe the Smell will make the robber sick to the stomach and he will say “screw this…where is a house with a CLEAN SMELLING DOG? “

Ok, so if that bothers you just give it a bath. Just make sure you wear thick rubber gloves because their claws and nails will puncture you. Then again, they would make a great pet for your cat. They will play together and see who can claw who. Kids love ferrets. They just run around all day and night until the kid gets tired. NO…not the Ferret. They LOVE the night and will play till they drop.

So just get a Ferret. Why not? Especially if you’re a guy, because it’s cool. Not for women really. So want to have a girlfriend and get lucky? Be like James Bond and  have cool animals around you. Get a Ferret 007. Just make sure you give it a bath BEFORE she comes over!

 

 

 

Hamsters are not…Hams.

Ok…here is the story on this. This is Hamsters. You know these furry little creatures that have been very popular the past 30 yrs. You know why? because they are very hard working little rodents.

Come on we should all be like them. They get on that wheel and start running around and around and around. It will get a person dizzy just trying to keep up. What if we had that amount of energy when it comes to life. Work would be great wouldn’t it? You would show up on time running not walking to your desk. You just cant wait to hit that wheel of success. People would watch you go around and around like a would be hamster. You could get a raise in just a few weeks. What about if you were an athlete and in the Olympics? Just be a ham and run that marathon in no time flat. Its easy,pretend the track is the wheel of life. What about sex? Ok, we wont get into that.

Hamsters also are pretty mellow (except the wheel). No getting upset and trying to run out of the damn cage. They will hang out and nibble on their water tube. No fuss and what they eat or drink. Again…it would be great if we were like that. Forget about eating out and all that. Be a hamster, just hang out and eat at home after you run on your wheel for a few solid hours.

The bottom line is this. Don’t get hamsters mixed up with Gerbils. You will hate your self. Yes it does happen sometimes, but not if you’re a smart pet owner. Gerbils are nice too….but lazy. We don’t want lazy do we?

 

 

 

 

 

The Turtle and the…HAIR?

 

Ok we all know about the turtle and the HARE. They took that race and the rabbit got cocky thinking he was going to win. Then the Turtle just strolled along and won.

What about the appearance of a turtle. They are just one big shell that strolls along taking its time through life. Then you look at the turtle and you notice it has no Hair! That’s right. Ever look at a turtle and how it lives. Its kind of wrinkly and old looking like they were thousands of years next to the dinosaurs. They have no hair so maybe that’s why they just move slowly through life. They don’t need a comb or worry about hair cuts, ever.

Maybe people should live like turtles and tortoises. We are so much in a hurry all the time. Running here and there to stores, events, parties, and…hair cuts. You see, people would save hundreds of dollars a year on cutting hair and moving fast all over. We need to be like a turtle. How about selling your house and just carry a box on your back instead of a shell. That would be great no mortgage or insurance, property taxes, nothing. You just mingle with others, work all day, and when you get tired you just go to the nearest patch of grass and sleep in your box. So simple and so logical isn’t it?

You could also maybe hangout on the beach and sleep on the beach. Then go swimming when you get a chance. Again…pretty nice easy slow life. No reason to NOT act or look like a turtle. Everyone should. So many advantages…like not caring how long it takes to get somewhere and if you win a race. Oh, not getting a haircut also.

 

 

 

Fly like a bird….or be a human!

For as long as man has been on this earth, he wanted to fly. Even in the caveman days they would look in the sky at pterodactyls flying above them. They would be angry and jealous trying to do the same thing to impress their women. They would jump off cliffs flapping their arms like birds that they aren’t. Hit the ground and break a leg or arm.   

Then thousands of years later the Wright brothers came up with the idea of flight. Orville would look in the sky and say “I can do that!” Well if you really think about it, maybe we don’t want to fly like a bird. Can you imagine walking into around with these huge feathers on your back? You walk around in a store like a Costco and when you turn the isle you just knock over things. What about having sex…hmm? You think that would be fun? No! Lying in bed trying to kiss with feathers all over the sheets, in your hair, eyes, forget about it.

Let’s say we could fly like birds. Maybe when we get upset at our spouse we just say “Honey, I am out of here”…you just take off and go hang out in a tree somewhere. Or go to your favorite bar and grab a drink. Wait…you can’t, because you don’t have hands, you have wings. Another thing is if you live in a cold weather climate, you have to go south so your damn wings don’t freeze over like wings on a plane.

Remember birds are not that happy. Yes they fly around and have fun but they have issues like living in trees, crashing into trees, plate glass windows and so many other things. Let’s just stick to being in a plane where a flight attendant will serve us a nice cold bee and watch a movie. As long as the movie is not the classic “The Birds”

 

 

 

 

 

Snakes are nice….really

 

Ok we all know the bum rap snakes get, so here are some facts that will be in their favor. The bottom line is snakes are not that bad. We are not talking the flesh eating, man killing Boa Constrictors found in third world countries. I mean the cool garden snakes you see in the summer time. They just hang out slithering through the grass checking things out. They will do some work around the house. Work you say? Yes…like killing insects that bug you. There is nothing better than walking in your yard with sandals (or bare feet if you don’t have a dog) knowing you wont get attacked by those snakes OR other insects. Another great part is they are green, so they blend in with the grass and you never see them. Most of them are small and quite cute. They can make a nice pet for a girlfriend. I know, I have done it before.

You also have the good ole brown Rattle Snake. These long winding guys are actually not that bad either. You can walk through the woods or in the dessert and if you see(or hear) one there is a good chance that nothing will happen. Now you’re not going to be stupid and try to hug or play with the damn snake, but maybe sing along with the rattling. How about writing a rap song that has some Indonesian flavor to it .Record the rattling and add it to your future number one Snake Rap song. All this because you read our pet peeve and that snakes are not that bad. Really, they are not! Oh, you can send the royalties to us here at the Pet Starship.

 

 

 

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All cats are women!

I know you have heard this before. That cats, like all cats, is independent and do whatever they want to do. Yes, even Male Cats. Anytime, anywhere, just like a woman. You see when a cat wants something they just slowly come over and rub against you. When a woman wants something, they slowly come over and kiss you or maybe a shoulder massage. When you want a cat to stop meowing, just feed them and they will leave you alone and ignore you for hours at a time. When a woman wants to be happy, just take out your wallet and give her a few hundred dollars so she can go shopping for shoes. She will be gone for most of the day so you can spend time with the cat you never see anyway.

A cat will purr when they are happy, a woman will moan when she is. A cat will play with a ball or a few things on the ground. A woman will play with jewelry and belts she bought with your money from the store. A cat loves to lie around in the sunlight going through the window. A woman will do the same, except she is getting a tan inMaui, with out you, but with her cat loving female friends from the bridge club. So there you have a few things about cats and women. Hope it helps in your relationships….if not, get a dog.

 

 

 

Do Fish sleep??

It is amazing that when I walk by my fish tank I NEVER see the fish sleep. They just swim around all night. How could that be? Dog’s sleep (all day) cats do…everywhere…you name the animal and they sleep. I just think that its amazing.

What if humans did that! We would be so productive. No vacations….our sex lives would be great…the economy would grow. Yes, because we would be partying all night. What a concept. Now we do TRY to stay awake when we need to, that’s what caffeine is for. The last minute test in school, early mornings for that important meeting at work! Maybe we should all just go in the shower, get really wet, and walk around with caffeine in us. Lips puckered out like a gold fish and see how rich we get while being happy. Fish life…what a concept!!

 

 

 

Birds talk…with no accent

I have many friends that have had birds over the years. Most of them were all from different nationalities and different countries (my human friends that is). So I was wondering that when they taught the birds how to talk…they did not have accents.

One of my good friends from Rochester Ny was a guy named Sal as in Salvatore.. He was really Italian from a family of 11. You know the kind…like a NY Italian with attitudes. His parrot was called Vinnie. Yes,Vinnie. So when he talked we thought he would talk like Sal with a thick Italian accent from Rome. Can you imagine a parrot talking like that, Sqwaak…hey you doin huh? Squaak, You got a problem with me? Sqwaak!

The same thing happened with another friend I had in Fla. His name was Obrien and he moved fromIreland. He was always trying to teach his bird how to talk. I guess he did but again not like inIreland. That bird should have said “Top of the morning to ya, you have any seeds?”. But no…he just talked like any other damn parrot!  Maybe we should have snuck in and gave the parrot some whisky to get him drunk. Then he would have said “Ok…Ok…lets go and fly some time…up side down”. So the moral of this story is who cares how the bird talks…as long as he does.

 

 

Birds have great…..aim!

      

 Yes…you read that right. Birds have an amazing aim when it comes to relieving them selves in mid air! Oh come on…you have seen it. How many times have you went to your car and seen that scary icky white stuff on your car. Not just your car…your windshield on the driver’s side!

Then you look at other cars in the parking lot and you do not see one spot on them. Not a single ONE. It is almost like the damn birds have an agenda against you…like in the 1963 movie! When they flew over the town attacking the poor towns people Maybe it’s the color of your car, the make (we heard they don’t like foreign cars, especially Toyotas).Then you have to clean it off the best you can, which is impossible. You literally have to take a fire hose to the damn car, and if you’re REALLY lucky…a small portion will come off. You may try acid, but then again your paint will come off. Hey…then you can just re paint your car and other birds will attack it! After you read this, go ahead and e mail theUSgovernment to bring birds to the army and help defend theUS. They will love the idea, they really will!! 

 

 

 

Horses are fruit lovers?

So here I was riding a horse in the mountains of Burbank California. I am on this three thousand pound hunk of flesh hoping its going to listen to me and everything I say. Some times they listen…sometimes they don’t. Especially if it’s not your horse…the one I was on was rented. So the trainer that was taking us around told me about what they like to eat. If I give what they like to eat, it will be better for both of us. I said feed him Hay…he said fruit. I said Fruit?  Really?  Why not a small rodent? No…it’s a freaking Apple. I mean what animals eat apples? Not even most humans eat apples let alone a horse!!

 

 So I was given some apples to me after we took a break riding. I gave the horse a few and he did what ever the hell I wanted. I am thinking…this is great, he is going right and left and back and forth. I really loved this. I was in charge…in command. Why can’t a woman do this when she tries to date a man and gives him a hard time? I would take her out to a nice dinner of apples and the rest of the night would be perfect and cheap. Thank you Equines of the world!. Now can any one tell me about a dating site for horse lovers?

 

 

 

Why men have dogs and not wives.

Being single these days is sometimes a good thing. We know that guys get lonely not having a woman in their lives. They go online to dating sites, hang out in bars, do whatever they can to meet THAT ONE. Then I talked to others who were married…but had a better companion in their lives. A DOG!. Yes truly ..mans best friend. So here a few things the crew at PS came up with on why men SHOULD NOT be married. The later you are coming home…the more excited your dog is to see you.All dogs never notice if you call them by another name. Try that with your wife!

Dogs love when you leave things all over the floor. Does not matter…underwear, food particles…who cares? They don’t.Dogs parents…never visit. Best part is…you don’t even know if they exhist. When you raise your voice…women get angry. Mans best friend wont…they love it. You can tell by the way their ears perk up as high as a 10 story building. You never have to wait for a dog. No prepping for an hour with matching fur..nice nails. They are ready instantly. When you are REALLY ANGRY…dogs LOVE THAT!

Wives hate hunting and fishing. Canines love to ride in the back of a pick up truck. Try that with your wife sometime. Dogs let you put a collar on their neck with out slapping you in the face and trying to get you arrested.

 

 

Dog Walking

Ever walk your dog and see the same people walk theirs at the same time? Then you ask them what the dogs name is…but not  their name, the dogs name. You could care less who the owner is. You just want to talk with Fido the dog. Is he a male or female?…rescue?…breed?…as much info as you can in the short 30 seconds you may have with them.

Even if they do tell you their name..You will never remember it, but will always know the dogs name!

 

 

CATS

Most cat owners know certain things about their cat that ALL know. This certain characteristics about cats is called attitude. Thats right, A cocky attitude. A well known Cat Breeder and Vet said that if Cats had hands to open their food, they wouldn’t need us! They would just walk over to the can opener and feed themselves! Sad but true and that is why we love them and their independence. Ever wonder why that saying is called raining CATS AND DOGS! Not DOGS AND CATS…that’s because our feline friends actually COME FIRST in the household.

Yes…if you have a cat AND dog in your home…the cat will REIGN. Notice the pun…like RAIN. Think about that the next time your puss is purring up a storm to you !

 

HORSES

 When they gotta go they

The Horse is just an amazing animal that has pride and style when you look at it. What it DOES NOT have is MANNERS. When it has to relieve itself after a long walk he/she just does IT when ever and wherever it wants. You could be riding on a major highway in a city,,,cars going by..people waving for it to get on a trail. The equine does not care, they will just GO then and there. Even being cocky about it as opposed to a dog who will be embarrased. Maybe because it weighs almost 2000 pds…no one will mess with a horse when it needs to go.

 

Wooo….wait a minute….the other way!!

You probably hear all the time how sometimes its scary to be on a huge animal like a horse. When you rent them out for an hour ride, they supposed to follow the trail. Well guess what…THEY DON’T! This massive creature will walk when it want..stop when it wants..they are in charge,NOT YOU.  Oh…and don’t even think about getting a snake or dog near it…they will go ballistic! They are just a massive gorgeous animal…but have an attitude.They even talked us humans to measure them in HANDS, yes..Hands. The SMALLEST part of our body on purpose so it takes extra time and energy to show us their big and the boss.